Things I Learned In The Fire


I accidentally posted on pages instead of putting it here. It was published on July 1, 2018.

 

I used to think that this was it. My love story that it could conclude with the next step as that’s was a proposal to then beginning our lives together, instead, it just turned out to dust. Never in my life didn’t expect this nightmare to begun with such force that it shocked every being from its core. No matter how careful I was, how protective I could be, I got the best of myself and in the end, it turned into a million pieces that it’s difficult to pick up again.

To short this story, I met *Michael after I post an ad online. He was at least the third or fourth who replied. After we exchanged our emails, I decided to see him in person at a public place, a coffeehouse on a Saturday afternoon. We hit it off and it felt like we knew each other before. We started going to do picnics, at the park, getting to know each other. He was giving me attention, he was singing to me (something that men rarely do nowadays), He texted me from the morning when he wakes up to the night. We were like soulmates. I thought he was the one. And it was the best two months I ever had with him.

Then out of the blue, he ghosted. A month later, he came back with an excuse that he got fired from his job and he didn’t want me to make him feel like he needed help. I forgive him and we hit it off again for a few weeks and then I had this dream, in which I was at my job and he appeared giving me flowers and I was so elated, so happy, so blessed. And after we slow danced, I heard a deep voice saying: “He is NOT the One for You.” I knew it was God, so I asked a personal question afterward. When I woke up, I couldn’t say a word, how can He say he is not for me when he showed me all the good intentions for me? I started to get into a conflict with God, to the point that I chose Michael over Him. Then in February, the motorcycle accident happened and I started getting suspicious when his texts were less frequent and I couldn’t visit him from the Hospital the day of the accident.  I decided to get into public records and sadly I found out the truth or sort of. That he was indeed married and with kids. My world crashed down to the sewer and I didn’t reply to him for a day, and I confronted him over the phone. He just indeed laughed at it and hang up the phone. I chose to end this relationship afterward.

During the two months, I was okay. Still waiting to see if things were alright. I didn’t date or considering dating. I was active in the church and a church support group getting a little bit better. Until I received a text from him again, telling me that he has deep feelings for me and wanting to prove that he is NOT married. How stupid I was when I let him into my life again. This time, he was proving to my co-workers and friends that he wasn’t married. He came to my job to gave me a dozen roses. And I was impressed at that. But after three more weeks, it came to an abrupt end.

How?

Well, last time I saw him was Saturday on his break. I made him fried chicken with California Vegetables. We chat about everything while eating our food and after his timing was off, we kissed and we parted ways. By Sunday, he didn’t text me anything like his usual self. I started to have a nervous breakdown later that afternoon. Like a stupid dumb girl, I cried. On Monday, at 3am I send my final text to him, telling him that I was worried and telling him that I’m here for him if something happened. By 7am I received a text, but it’s not from him. It was his fiancee of four years *Stephanie who found out about this relationship. And more was that he lied about not having kids when he has a kid from an ex. The reasons why he hasn’t replied, it’s because he got arrested and he’s in jail over carrying a concealed weapon without a permit and a warrant out of the county. Once again, my world came tumbling down more fierce like a wrecking ball. I felt so helpless and my heart once again got shattered in painful ways that I didn’t know if I’m able to pick up where I left off or go drown in the deep sea. He tried to call me on Sunday and Monday from jail and I didn’t respond, because I didn’t want to hear his lies. Couldn’t eat well, couldn’t sleep and puke. Cried, got stressed to the point that I snapped at a co-worker for the first week. Sunday, I went to church and cried letting all my pain, my hurt in God’s hands. By the afternoon, he called and I didn’t have no other choice than to answer the damn call. His words? “I’m sorry, I was confused.” I abruptly interrupted his talking and I spoke my mind about the whole thing. I told him that he used me, lied to me, and I loved him. That I’m not a cheap thrill. I trusted him. And it was just a lie. I ended by saying, “I forgive you, but I don’t want to see you anymore. And don’t call me anymore.” I just hang up the phone.

Another secret came out…

The same day, the fiancee texted me and I decided to make a call to have a talk and find out more about the warrant. The news about his arrest was on a radio station and on its website in his town of Kentucky, as well as the reason for his warrant. It is worse than killing a person, that’s all I can say about it. When she told me, I felt very disgusted. On top of being a cheater, a liar, and manipulator with a narcissistic complex, he did something disgusting. I couldn’t have words to describe how betrayed I felt. The fiance moved back to her parents, I, on the other hand, left his sorry ass and move on. Or so I thought.

I was quickly going back into the dating scene. But didn’t have no choice than to give it a rest. Still I was crying, still I was lonely, still, I was in emotional disrepair. I’m on my own finding out my own groove. My own identity since, I lost my way of who I am. God was absolutely right when he said He is NOT the one, because of all these things that I went through and obviously I was very stubborn, trying to convince Him, even fight for him because of His decision. I don’t blame God for my unfortunate tragedy I been through. He has been showing his support, mercy, understanding during this stage. It is two weeks after this “tragedy” but I have to learn to know myself, to find my identity and to be content with my now being single.

*The names have been changed for privacy concerns and I omitted the real reasons of his warrant.
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