I used to respect the cops. If you obey the laws and follow orders you will be very well off. But since the never confrontation between Blacks and Police makes anyone think, react and even draw dangerous protests, I wasn’t paying that much attention although I was interested in their stories of how policemen teased, played and even kill innocents just because of their skin color, not because of their character. It was like a surreal dream when you encounter the cops while black and one false move even directly or by accident could land you dead.

That has changed last Saturday when I decided that instead of going to the gym, I went to a store to buy some miscellaneous things. It was a very sunny hot day where my car which lacks the a/c, have to draw my windows down to let the air comes in. I was struggling to get into good parking lot, near the store since every Saturday and Sunday, new shipments of stuff from electronics to clothing arrives, so it’s basically first come, first serve. I find a parking lot on the fourth aisle and decided to park it. But have a little bit of difficulty getting the clearance as I was close to the SUV, so I hit reverse and got the safe way to park my car. I left to the store and bought three things. A Small Fan, A Phone Car Holder and a hair straightener brush. After I left, and was headed to the gym, a police came to me as ask “Are you the Owner of the Equinox?” Not even asking for a Good morning or how I was doing. It was just these words. And I thought something happened to my car. He quickly asked me for my ID, which I gave it to the cop. As I got closer to my vehicle, it was all the opposite. I accidentally scraped the SUV and the lady who is the owner of the vehicle didn’t sound that police. She indeed called the police on me. And I was in the middle of a scratch accident. Where it could be growing into a confrontation between me, the white lady and the cop and I felt like everything to lose if I do a false move.

Meantime, the cop was a bit dominant, sarcastic towards me while he was treating the white lady like she was the damsel in distress. Even thought I gave all what he needed, car registration, license and car insurance, he was treating me like I committed a murder. It was just one thing that kind of makes me tick. Between the conversation with the cop the white lady was literally smiling and acting like everything is alright with her, putting her white privilege in check stating she works in the hospital. Like she don’t know that I do work in the health field. As soon as everything was done, and I was going to go to the car, the cop said, that “I caused this.” Seriously? He didn’t say have a nice day, but instead tries to make me feel more worse than it is to try to see if I’m quick to anger so I could get freaking arrested just to fill their work quota.

I left and went to a diner to try and eat something or force myself to it. I was so angry, so nervous and frightened that I had a severe panic attack in front of the restaurant parking lot. I couldn’t have no one to talk to, except for my date, which he called me to finds out how I was doing. At least, he was there to calm my nerves down and later go into the diner and eat. After the diner, I decided to go to the gym to calm even more of my nerves and later to work.

Even a traumatic event such as this, I could be dead, and every news outlet would give me the wrong stuff that I have done in my life instead of being a struggling single person trying to find her own place in a place such as The South. Maybe I could be a fashion statement to be later forgotten, while the cop in question will be getting away with murder like the others who commit those fatal injustices. Maybe perhaps, like most families of the victims would be “content” with a little bit of money settlement while shutting themselves off avoiding to be involved with BLM or any anti-police movement. It seems to me, that I could be dealing much worst and that’s why my PTSD acted up very quickly along with my Dysthimia to the point that I was having trouble sleeping. Like everything is against me and/or everyone wants me screwed. Even I’m afraid that my car insurance rate is going to be raised because of a silly scratch.

But what I learned about this is that there’s always going to be people biased against a certain race. And we always, no matter how well mannered, how successful we are, how many properties we have, these individuals will always treat us like a piece of shit. And I’m certainly lost my respect to them.

Quick Update: The car insurance company, came by inspect the car three days after the accident. Still I have to deal with my depression on a daily basis without medication. Still, I have to deal with the fear and if this worsens, I have to pay for a therapist.