It’s been two weeks after the break-up and it’s still hard on me just like the first day I walked out that door without regret, without looking back. In a blink of a eye I was from being with someone who appreciated my company to having absolutely nothing and being back living with relatives because I can’t even depend on myself. I didn’t expected that this dream will turned so nightmarish so quick at a time that I used to have hopes that yes, he could be the “One” and only to fulfill my dreams to be something cherished, valued and loved. I still feel the anger, the sadness and the resentment after this short period. Missing the things that I wanted in such a long time, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, making love, sharing words and ideals in person or by texting. It seems that being lonely is like being in jail, not able to have a meaningful social interactions and you just move around, be occupied until you eat and until you go to bed.
But the things that actually showed me about break-ups is the exact reasons why I chose to end it, and the chain of events that went prior to this.
- When a man doesn’t gives you the attention, he used to give you, there’s something going on: After returning from out of state, he was actually changed in a sense that he didn’t want to spend time with me except going to bed. He rather go to bars with his buddies than spending time and getting to know more of me.
- Not compassionate with my illness or side effects from medications: Last month, I decided to get the Depo Shot at the beginning of the relationship. One of the side effects from it is the spotting and also being cranky. He didn’t show any understanding to it. And I tried to be sympathetic to him, but didn’t work out.
- Ripples from Verbal Abuse: It just started four days after the break-up when he drew snarky and somewhat offensive comments at me from the way I snore to not helping out doing his apartment cleanup. Even thought I clean the pots and pans when I was done doing my dinner he didn’t considers it. He abruptly interrupts me when I was concerned about somethings.
I know that this guy isn’t the one. But the first weeks with him was just that, a dream that I could remember as the weeks that I felt that I was loved, cherished, adored, desired. Right now, I’m on my own unable to pick up the pieces of this failed relationship and my depression makes my emotions and feelings worst. I’m unable to just walk and move on. But I have to, because even thought I don’t have the hope that I used to have, still I have to move forward, not looking back. I quickly forgot how to be all those things and I will do anything to at least get those things back in my life. In the meantime, my phone is just a music player once again. My barrier is already in place and I just can’t seem to have faith in finding my knight in shiny armor who could save me from all this chaos in my life.
Have to live in auto mode for now.