The fairy tale is over.
It started around the end of March and ended up in May. It was a “love story” I thought it will lead me to a lot of positive possibilities. That after the heartaches, the loneliness, the sadness, it just a matter of time and a miracle to appear this event into my life and enjoy it plentifully. This feeling of being wanted, being held, being loved and appreciated, that I wanted for so long came into my life. But as quickly came, it quickly went away in a blink of an eye when things aren’t great as what it used to. When his looks were just distant, his interest started to wane, and his love became fake. At the sight of my brokenness, of my imperfections and my illness, along with a few physical issues it was I guess too much to handle.
I remember it clearly. It was sunny, it was hot and I was doing some errands. Cashing my paycheck, then helping a stranded young couple some food, getting a external hard drive for my PS4 and later went to his apartment and planning what we should do tonight. But when I came to his car, he was started to get snappy at me just because I wasn’t there to help him clean his apartment. I told him I was out doing my things. The way he said these words actually cut my heart and my well being in half. It was like I was experiencing what my ex-boyfriend/husband from Idaho did. It made me feel bad, a failure of a woman because I didn’t help him clean his apartment because honestly, I was out. I just walked away and went to his bedroom.
When he walked to his bedroom and he was asking me if I was leaving, I just answered, I’m thinking. Then he said these words “If you want to leave, just leave” without thinking about the consequences of his actions. He wasn’t screaming, or violent. He just said those words. And I went on auto-mode. I gather all my things without making a sound, one bag after another, because I didn’t have luggage or anything. My clothes were just bagged in Walmart bags, placed in the back of my car, gave his house keys back, left the underwear sets he gifted me (because obviously I could buy more underwear). Told him to unfriend me from Facebook. And he immediately made a fool of himself telling me that he didn’t tell me to leave or stop me from doing so. I just walked away from the situation, because honestly I really don’t like drama and definitely don’t like the arguments that comes with it. He said bye, and I didn’t say a word, even thought I was going to be turning into a complete psycho and that doesn’t look well on me. I endured a lot and this is not the right time to speak my mind about the issue. I turned on my car, and just speed it up leaving the whole place. I felt angry, dead and my anxiety and panic attack kicked in so bad, I ended up at a friend’s house to just recoup my mind.
The process of break-up is very common for women. They cried, they get angry, frustrated, afraid and later bitter if they cannot find the right healing to do so. For some women with Depression or any mental illness, it’s ten times worse because not only the bitterness kills you, but your own life if you don’t find the right channels to divert those thoughts. Feelings of failure surrounds your life, in a sense that it’s voices all around you telling you how bad of a woman you’re becoming. How physically disgusted you are to the opposite sex, how you’re becoming the old maid because you’re pressured to bring a kid and have your own family and being independent and not of these things happened in your life and you miserably failed because you depend on people. All those thoughts of what ifs and what nots clutters your mind even more.
I tried to keep my head up in all this. Being in his world, his voice, his kisses is all gone and I was feeling like I’m dying like a fish gasping for water. My friend and I went to a bar, and kinda “celebrating” my break up. I was crying most of the time, didn’t sob but I was trying to keep my composure the best I could. So, I ordered a double shot of Tangueray followed by a Cosmopolitan breaking a tradition because Sex and the City came in my mind and these ladies orders Cosmopolitan in the good and in the bad times. Then, a couple of old men specially one was like very annoying. He’s the type of man that have to be away from the whole scene because he was obviously not attractive, not polite, and definitely creepy. He wanted my phone number which I refused in the most weirdest way possible. After a few drinks me and my friend left the place and decided to go bowling. Yes, bowling.
As I tried to cheer myself up still with my clothes in the back of the car, we spend time playing, but still I wasn’t myself. I was forcing myself to lift my spirits up and deal with the whole aftermath. I lose the round. Tried to have fun, but the sadness ruins it. So, after the game I dropped her back at her house and I went back to my nephews and unpack my things again. Now the feeling of defeat came into place. And I was feeling it ten times more. Didn’t have the energy to put the clothes back on the closet so I just left it there.
That night, my friend and I decided to go bar hoping. I dressed up with a Red/Black corset with faux leather leggings and Demonia boots from hot topic along with using my first color contacts. It was seriously a bitch to put those things on that it took me a good 5 minutes putting them on. After that, I picked up the same friend and off we went because staying at home feeling sorry for myself made things worse for me. The bar hoping wasn’t that great on a few of them, since it looked empty, or not enough variety to go through… At one bar, the drinks were bland, specially the Long Island Iced Tea, which they put two drinks instead of 5 blends. She was complaining a lot, because of that, that we left and decided to stop at the last bar, Eddies (name changed) and just enjoy a little bit before heading home. I didn’t care about the looks of the people when they saw me. At least, she was dressed in a simple dress and I was very Gothic, without the makeup.
She sat on the tables near the door and she was complaining about the cold. So she immediately asked a group of men if she can sit with them. They just accepted it. So I sat next to a guy, that wasn’t bad looking and he didn’t stop looking at me. I got another round of drinks, Fireball, some whiskey and Guinness to end the night. Still, I was enjoying the night, but my feelings were blocked, my heartbreak is ignored. This man that I met, was pretty silly. He didn’t want to go to a bar at first but his uncle “pushed” him to go. To be honest, I didn’t want to start again with the process of meeting someone so soon. And after the night, he invited us to his uncle’s house and since I have my mace, my phone just in case, he drove us to the location. It was in front of a man-made lake and the house was very decorated with 1980’s style. Miami Vice vs Scarface with a little bit of Asian fare. I was very impressed by it. More impressed was his company, for the first time, we looked at the stars something that I never did in my life until now. He was treating me like he have been won the lotto. But still we were living the moment and in the heat of things, it just happened. Can’t tell the whole things, but I think you readers get the idea.
The next morning it was like I was away from all the problems and all the sorrows, the sadness, and surrounded myself with friends, company, his attention in a place that it’s also hidden away from all these chaotic noises from the city. We talked, eat Fried Chicken from Popeye, drink, some smoked (I’m not a smoker), and had a great Sunday brunch. With him however, it was like having a boyfriend for the whole 24 hours as a consolation prize. His words: “His loss, my gain.” Like I was some sort of property or something more than that. His company was very soothing like he was venerating me like I was some sort of God. He even called me “My Goddess” more than once. I wasn’t expecting to meet someone after just a few hours of a break-up and neither go faster than 60 miles over the speed limit in terms of guarding my heart and myself. In honest words, I got out of a situation and into a new one and don’t know how to get out of it. Should I let it run its course? Should I stop it? Should I tell this person, I don’t want to get my heart hurt again? I want to heal? I want to have someone not for playing? Because I honestly don’t want to go from one guy to the next and acting all desperate, needy and greedy because I cannot pull myself up from the drowning waters of uncertainty. And definitely cannot change from leaving a man who has his own things to a man that is basically broken just like me. At least, we exchanged phone numbers the night before, so maybe it’s a matter of time if he’s interested in me or just a fling. I really want to avoid it,