I used to think that I could set and do anything my mind has been set into. I could be doing the things that men has done even in the beginning of civilization. I could select any man I want to have a family with but with a catch. I could vote, which in many cases I choose wrongly. I could be the leader of some sort of government, community and society. Not being a object of sexual desire and instead being left alone. I can get the dream job that I wanted, if I studied hard to earn it. I can control my body in terms of choosing the right time to bring a new baby into this world.
But after all these “things” you gals have achieved over the decades, my life in fact is cluttered. You took away my real dreams of being in love, of being respected, cherished by a man who could give me the whole world without even asking. That I could enjoy all those things if I only kept myself pure and honest with myself in terms of being a virgin and that man can find me valuable. That I could get the best wedding I would ever dream of that I could remember for the rest of my life, in which feeling this white wedding dress symbols an accomplishment in life. A purpose. That all I wanted is being with this person who chose me to be a part of his life, enjoying the good times and the bad times. I can learn the basics like cooking, cleaning, sewing, gardening, having and raising kids and forget about the whole world around me that brings me so much discomfort, so much sadness, so much anger.
You gals gave me a voice, but I don’t want to scream that men are evil, calculated sons of bitches, that I could have the choice to break their bank or trapped them with a kid so I can receive child support if I wanted to for the sake of saving myself. You gave me choices which it’s plenty of mistakes after another one instead of being guided by my intuition and I’m still paying the consequences. You gave me independence, but instead I feel alone, hopeless and clueless to know how the world works. How society works. You gave me the power, but that power never worked on me, instead I have been sunk in humiliation like a bullied victim. You gave me to defend myself, but still, I couldn’t reach my voice to tell the bad experiences I been through.
I could control my body, yes I know, because having a kid unmarried is a sign of having your single life over. Because being a single mother is a deal breaker when it comes to have a relationship that could end in marriage. But staying single and trying to figure it out things, moving from bad relationship to another, or maybe be conformed to setting my standards low in order not to be alone, depressed, sad isn’t best either.
Still, my life have become a confused state which I don’t know where I’m going, where I’m heading and where are my purpose in life? Which even though I studied, I didn’t get the job I was “destined” to have because I wasn’t good looking or bright enough. So, I went to the conventional venues in order to put the food on the table.
Even though I could choose which person will be that one, I ended up choosing bad relationships, which scarred my mental status and my feelings to the point that believed that they don’t want to spend their lives, their money, their time on me since I have all these weaknesses, these imperfections, these mental and physical scars of abuse that left me broken, distrustful, angry at the first sight of abandonment.
I really wanted to have a family, I really wanted a white picket fence, wanted a man who could hold me close to his heart for the rest of his life. But you took those dreams away from me and I can’t get those dreams back. I’m still dealing with difficulties myself and there’s a lot of days I just want to jump off the bridge, because the old I get, the less chances I get to be having this fairy tale that every women think, want, dream away from my existence and sooner I will be ending up alone, broken in the dirty aisles of a nursing home.
You gals destroyed me. And I don’t want to destroy any more girls into your trap of false equality. You gals are a Cancer!