Difficult Roads

Three days ago a woman by the name of Kelly Pease was killed in front of her place of work Kootenai Health Hospital in Coeur D’Alene, ID. She was a Domestic Violence survivor, starting her new life after leaving her former fiancee. In a turn of events she have been posting on Facebook her ordeal and after she escaped from the hands of her abuser, this abuser ended her life, freely.

The thing is after Domestic Abuse, what choices do these women have? Did the law agencies offer an extended hand in all of this or, they just rather look the other way and pressing on better issues than a battered physically and mentally woman crying out for help, effective resources and support. I’m a survivor, but the issue is after this whole ordeal, still I have to battle my demons in terms of going back into the past, scavenge memories to adapt to new relationships to make sure this isn’t the same as I had. Or this new job, or this new apartment could bring me a new sense of loneliness after the results of decades of abuse that can be unable to trust people. Because honestly, I can’t trust anyone.

I used to be friendly, telling jokes and such to my co-workers. This time, I rather keep my life private. I rather keep it to myself. I could joke from time to time, and be friendly, but I don’t feel it authentic like before. Trying to have a relationship has been difficult for me in the sense that I use more of my intuition into play than my heart and I ended up alone in the process because, if there’s no trust, no chemistry, no compatibility, why I should stay with this person out of not being lonely? The last experience, it turned out to be a scam again. So, I stop communicating to this person, who ever it is, went to the pub again waiting to see if someone would have a conversation with a stranger (which it didn’t), took two or three shots and later went to the liquor store to get more to then going home and chill. And when I say chill, it means drinking a half a bottle, while listening to IDM and later went to sleep. Yeah, life is better after the abuse. But reality is, life is complex, sad, lonely and at the same time chaotic when you’re single again in your nearly mid 40’s and not forgetting damaged. Because, there’s still no programs for Domestic Violence and Abuse for women after they leave their insignificant other. After, I left, there’s a sense of emptiness, sadness, loneliness because the support that you had is gone and there’s no one who could ever tell what’s going on with your life post. Sometimes, I think it’s a way of God punishing me for my decisions regarding my safety, my freedom and my life.

Life is dangerous too. I have a great concern for my two dogs that I left, because I couldn’t bring my dogs with me, not even one, because he’s very hyperactive and nervous and also, 15 minutes while the policemen were protecting me isn’t enough to grab him, put him in the car and go. I regret not taking both. So, he in the other hand since I was the breadwinner (sugar mama, caretaker, slave) I was the only one who brought food and dog pads to them, along with my time to give them attention. I’m worried about their safety and I miss them, that’s how my depression went sour from there. Even thought I call the right people to at least take my dogs out and place them with responsible families, they made excuse after another that it’s not their concern or an important issue. That’s really infuriates me.

Finances are going to be a mess. I have to pay my car which I took, the whole amount: $300.00 a month for a 2008 model (privacy folks) instead of half because he’s not in the picture anymore. At least, I have been paying them every two weeks without delay. Right now, I found a new job that I could be a little bit normal, but still, have to pay the car insurance which is double of what I used to pay from $53.00 to now $157.00 a month for full coverage. Sometimes, I rather have someone who could help me out paying those bills until I get back on my feet. Thankfully my family helped me a little which what they can. In the meantime, I have to deal with some other issues to fry, charbroil and bake. Bills are always there until you pay it all on your own and it never end.

Emotionally drained, physically overworked, and mentally cluttered. Many people will say, “Oh, at least you don’t have kids” So, being a person who dealt with Domestic Violence who never had kids is less than a person who have 5 kids? Well, sorry to disrupt your bubble, but it’s the same aftermath, the same feeling of dread, the same loneliness. But yes, at least women who have kids, are more resilient than a single person, because they have a reason to keep going. Single people, they struggle more on focusing on what’s their reason and without support, it’s a downhill battle.

This woman didn’t have that chance to at least build her life. How many out there who survive will get a normal life without the right tools, effective hands on programs, mental health, a little bit of financial support? Still, we are survivors but we are still have the heart of a victim.

Read: Kelley Pease found dead

Read: No contact order outlines murder suspect

Watch: Kelley Pease Facebook notes

Read: Murder suspect killed himself 





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