Tough Pill

Last week after the lack of inability of at least having at least a pause in my life, I met someone. It wasn’t like the kind of bumping someone or trying to rescue when I’m in distress like any other romantic movie I despised. It was just an ad I found of the notorious Craigslist and took the risk because honestly I wanted to know if I’m still able to get something out of the fishing. I tried different approaches including Plenty of Fish, Tinder, and this one with no success. Even though I post my best pictures, my honest bio and what I’m looking it seems to me that guys (not men) can’t even start the conversation. It was just me who did all the work, most of the time and waiting to see an answer, but when it doesn’t answer, I will move on to the next.

It was just a simple post, asking for a relationship in short words. So, I replied by introducing myself with paragraphs, because honestly filling it up with just one or two sentences like any person will do these days seems lazy with a lack of communication. Added two pictures of myself and send it up and wait to see if this person replies. Often when I do this, I don’t see any replies the next day, so I know for a fact, I’m not “attractive” in their eyes. But this person replied so I kept replying it back.

After a few emails, he gave me his number and texted and finally we decided to meet at a coffeehouse nearby. And after I saw the pics, he wasn’t bad looking but definitely I wasn’t looking for a six pack man. I was looking for someone who at least accept me even with my flaws and imperfections.

At the moment of the coffeehouse, we met and I thought we clicked. We were talking for hours up to the point that the place was nearly closing. The next day, he took me to a fancy restaurant and later to the city known for the country music roots. It was like in the movies, just the day I was dreaming of. It was perfect, it was too good to be true. By Valentines, he gave me a bouquet of happy flowers, and a box of chocolates. It was simply a awesome gesture since it’s been decades I never receive flowers. It was always on the other end when my co-workers and friends receive these kind of gifts (even if it’s not St. Valentines) and I have to congratulate them, even if my heart felt envious at the moment to the point of crying or being angry afterwards, for having such a “wonderful” boyfriend or husband.

Overall he was a very respectful, old fashioned guy trying to see if we have chemistry. By next Saturday, he sent me this text:

“I have been thinking a lot. You seem to be a wonderful woman but in order to be in a relationship, I need to feel a strong chemistry. I am unfortunately don’t feel that chemistry with you. I have to be honest with you and tell you this upfront so that I don’t wast yours and my time. I’m so glad we took things very slowly to gave us chance to get to know each other more. You’re a very kind hearted woman and I wish you all the best. I hope we can stay friends.”

That definitely hit me like a ton of bricks… maybe two at least. I read it up when I was at the Library after work. So, my anger was starting to boil so much that I sped on a bump. Still, my mind was starting to question my heart and my heart was working overtime without knowing where the pumping blood was going. So, I did what I could. Going to the gym, did an extensive cardio for half an hour and later went out to McDonalds and got a Double Quarter pounder with fries and soda, to then get lost three times to go to the beauty supply to get freaking extensions even with my GPS on. After that, I went to an Irish pub at night and spent 25 bucks on Two Tangueray shots, One Jaggermeister, and a Guinness while talking on the phone with one of my friends about the whole deal. I left early, went home and played videogames up to at least 11 or 12am. But at least, I wasn’t alone. My nephew’s wife was cheering me up in a great way by making me laugh with her stories. Still, I was taking a sip of Fireball before snoozing up.

Honestly, it was just a case of it’s not you, it’s me but still, it was like when you see a product that do wonders and you buy it and turns out to be rip-off, you ask for your money back. In love and relationships, you don’t have that choice. But as a person who experienced, rejections and bad notices constantly, this is as if it was getting the job you want being turned away with a pity letter. You felt deflated, you felt humiliated, and you feel alone in all this trying to get your pieces all together and try to assemble it, but this time you’re losing the pieces. A breakup is horribly bad, a rejection is far worse, specially when you have a mental illness, because all our lives have been centered on past rejections. From getting a job, to getting the love that we cherish, we and I have been dealing with it for decades and instead move on to unhealthy relationships, dead end jobs, or even addictions because that’s how we have to cope, or “deserve” for that matter.

And it doesn’t end here. After a few days or perhaps a week still you dreading up like a putrefied zombie scavenging for a nice human meat. You still have to move on, you still have to put a brave face and still have to deal with the loneliness, the lack of attention, the lack of romance and the lack of having a relationship. Past experiences of rejections will caught up to you no matter if you’re still looking after walking through all this defiant grass creeping on your legs when you walk, to get to the beginning of a relationship. And after a few failed attempts might as well retire from all this for a while, maybe ’til the day I ended up in the nursing home, because honestly that’s how disappointed I am from all this. I never though not getting to second base would be that frightening and the dating world so complicated and painful.

Here’s a quick note: This is NO way bashing this person. This is just how I feel about the whole process regarding dating in all it’s full scary parts.