New Start… New Life

Cutting the damn haitus for a change, let me explain without no filter, no censorship and no apologies. #SorryNotSorry

I was in a unhappy relationship for 12 years which consisted on working my butt off to then to provide for myself and a lazy person who the only thing was playing videogames and eat. Yes, he paid part of the bills, only 20 percent of it while I pay the rest. There has been rare the occasions that he takes me out, and when it does, it’s just fast food restaurants. The majority was me to pay the bills, provide him with food and sometimes I pay when we go out. Basically I was being the caretaker, taking him to the Dr. office, getting his prescription medications and taking him to the Hospital when he gets badly ill. Last year, however he became verbally abusive and controlling that we went into a bad argument that basically, he threw my phone to the backseat of the car and that’s why I decided to make some changes.

The change started in July when I met this person 70 miles from where I lived and had an on and off relationship. Didn’t know he was a fitness trainer, so he just told me the tricks and tips of how to lose weight and I started on this journey to see how far I was becoming. In the matter of three months, I lost from 170 to 140 pounds. Drop pants sizes from size 16 to a size 13. By doing exercises, and eating healthy, I just made it. Meanwhile, I was focused on myself instead of focusing on him and that was the start of it all. I was going to the bar to hang out with my friends or stay at a friend’s house to chill. I was constantly out, while he was basically inside the house.  I was still with the fitness trainer, up until December, when someone told him about it before hand, and he planned the “perfect” strategy to make me feel like shit. And it happened on my birthday when I was planning to see him on Friday, then the boyfriend after his bad attitude was kicked out of the local Doctor told me that he found one and needed the car to go 50 miles away. I just asked if he can do that on another day, he was making this big excuse that it has to be that day. After the whole snafu, I changed it for Saturday instead.

So, Saturday morning I saw him and it was pretty good, actually. He took me to lunch and gave me a birthday card which is something that I never expected from him. Then I received the bf phone call… in which he was telling that he ruptured his vein and needed the car for the hospital… #Spoiler alert: He didn’t have a ruptured vein. Mostly when he have that, there’s blood all over the floor and I’m the only one who cleans that. After I was 50 miles away, I decided to call him and he delivered the news that he knew where I was going and worst the person I’m going to see. My jaw just dropped. #Spoiler alert number 2: One of my friends told the whole situation with the fit guy when they gave me a ride home because they didn’t want me to drive drunk, so they picked him up to take the car back. And when they’re drunk, they accidentally tell anything. So the fat guy created a FB account, put the stuff that they told him and included another lie, that it’s the fit guy’s wife when in fact, he’s single.

As soon as I came home, he treated me like crap. Verbally he was abusive, and the reason why he didn’t kicked me out of the house it’s because I’m the one who provides for him. Not because of the harsh winter conditions. Another thing that actually makes me feel more terrible than ever when one of my dogs were licking my face, greeting me and said these words: “Stop licking her, you don’t know what’s she’s been.” That really took a toll on my self-esteem.

The reality of it all is that once a relationship is shattered, there’s no way it can be fixed. When a relationship depends on a person financially, that’s not a relationship, it’s basically a convenience partnership. When a someone thinks about himself instead of providing the woman he’s in, that’s constitutes slavery. When a person doesn’t take care of himself, well, there you have it. A woman that doesn’t know if she’s attractive, or worth it or valued to be in a relationship. I was basically living on empty, I was basically unloved, taken for granted. And I was living like this for 12 years, under the control and verbal abuse by the now ex-boyfriend.

The thing is that finding a way to escape wasn’t easy. If it wasn’t for my best friends and the fit guy, I still have this blind sight living with him and no receiving nothing in return. And also, the Women’s Crisis Center that I visited for months offered the help and counseling I needed to break that circle. But back at the story.

On Christmas, it was like nothing happened. But still, I was feeling uncomfortable.  He was trying to get back together, but the damage is done. And I told him he could be happy with someone else who can give the attention he needed. He didn’t want that, he wanted me because I’m the one who bring the damn bacon to the house. The next week, we decided to reconcile all because he wanted to drive the car, now the one that I pay bills for, he’s starting to take it away from me. Reconciliation wasn’t because we’re trying to get back together. It was basically out of fear of losing my only source of transportation. I tried to have feelings for him, but my heart was demanding me to leave him at all cost. Even two friends of mine told me exactly the same thing. To leave him. Specially one friend of mine post on my FB: “I think you know the answer to that deep down. I think you want to be free. I don’t think he’s the one to make you happy.”

The day before I went to the Crisis center and discuss the whole situation under tears and sobs because I was very fearful of what he’s going to do with me. These ladies, were helpful and even the police guy came in and told me they were going to be in the house by 7:30am. The date has been set. Last night I was watching a TV show online and took the keys and placed it on the purse… By the morning, the police came and I quickly took my packed stuff all while the police were stopping the fat guy from touching me. He demanded the car keys, he plead he was going to freaking CDA to rent a car so he could keep it, and I just said “Hell NO!” I packed my clothes, my PS4, my TV, My DSLR Camera and never looked back. I was free… I was finally free from all this.

Perhaps, cheating change my outlook in myself. It wasn’t because I needed to fill this empty feeling, it was more of a change in my personality. And it was uncovering the truth that I was blind and I was also treated like a sugar momma with nothing in return. I needed someone who can truly takes care of me (and I’m always have this feeling), and instead it was just the opposite. It was just about control and getting what he needed to keep him content and if he doesn’t get his way, he draw his temper tantrums. I’m sorry but I’m not in the mood for a kid, I’m in a mood for a man.

Next: My adventures towards the east