I used to write constantly, without no interruptions or disruptions. It was my well kept secret where I have to compose every feeling into a piece of paper, from the moment I write my journals to the point of doing great projects that can manifest into a book. As the years came and went, my words that came into my brain started to dwindle, when after years of finding out what’s wrong with my brain finally a person finds out my condition to why the projects never materialized, the dreams never realized and I have been stuck with huge sadness, regrets and self-isolation from everything. The cause of why I pretended so well along with my acquaintances, co-workers that I’m very happy and fine when all I want to do is to die. Why I have feelings of unworthiness, failure and emptiness.
When I got diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder or Dysthymia it felt I found the lost piece to complete the puzzle. And not only that, but also diagnosed with PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder even though I never been to war but experienced first hand the conflicts and the issues of having a dysfunctional family. I was eager to find help and to get resources to get better. But there’s a problem. Even thought, I had health insurance, I have under obligation to pay the deductibles while paying the whole cost of therapy, prescriptions and other services and that it seemed too much. I decided to for the sake of my health to find a job that causes me less stress, but I earned $200.00 less, and even thought I worked 40 hours, my present insurance doesn’t cover therapy or counseling sessions. I have been dealing with my condition by myself ever since. No medications, no counseling, nothing. My husband is my support but right now he have some problems to deal with himself since he have OCD and Anxiety and have to get the right medication since Zoloft lose it’s potency. The good part is that he have Medicaid, because he’s disabled. I can’t get it because it requires to be pregnant, disabled or by the age 55 or 65 to get that service.
When President Obama implemented Affordable Health Care act, he wanted to expand Medicaid to cover people like me to get health care. But unfortunately, the Red States including Idaho had blocked this initiative and instead tried to create their own without thinking the consequences of millions of Americans who are too poor to get health insurance. But they didn’t block the mandate which if you’re uninsured, you have to pay a hefty fine when you go and file for taxes and certainty you have to wait a year if you have enough money or a good job to get health insurance. Last month, Gov. Leroy “Butch” Otter along with Idaho Legislators blocked the bill to expand Medicaid and opt for a waiver using Medicaid dollars instead. But when it that would be? It’s been five years that 78,000 Idahoans are stranded and opt for drastic measures to make their health a priority. But on the Mental Health, is another story. Still, there’s no affordable or no cost clinics for the mentally ill, still there’s no hospitals that can help the critically mentally ill recover and get the help they need. Still there’s the stigma. And still Mental ill patients have to go to jail because of the lack of care and lack of understanding their condition.
Where Do I stand in all this? If feels gruesome. Because I feel that all they think about is money, not about caring for the well-being of the patient which is a two way street and both had no exits. Right now, my condition is deteriorating, my lack of concentration is worse which I had been writing less frequently, my crying bouts and my irritability had intensified, my lack of energy and motivation is horrible, to the point that I don’t want to do anything, I even don’t want to go to work, but that’s the only thing that I kept on living, because I have to pay the bills. I slept too much on many occasions. And any noise like a vacuum cleaner or the noises of washing dishes or cleaning makes me uncomfortable and restless. It seems that I’m losing this and I think I might let it go it course. My strength is weakened and I can’t deal with anymore. So, if it happens it happens. Some times you have to carry your own weight, but this time, I think I will let go that weight and walk or run from it because it’s too heavy and it’s too cumbersome to keep on walking. I’m not expecting anything, because I expected too much for so little or nothing in the end. But I don’t want others dealing with this illness because it’s as dangerous as you find out you have a terminal disease. When there’s no help, or some type of assistance, there’s nothing you can do. You can’t cover the sky with your hand, or fix a huge gash with bandaid.