Life Goes On While I’m on Pause


It’s Wednesday, and I received a lot of support from my co-workers specially two best friends of mine who were calling to check on me. All I did during these days were crying, sobbing, having panic attacks and force sleeping with sleeping pills. There’s too much questions than answers and the negligence that came with it regarding the improper care my dog Pillsbury received at the vets office. But what’s done is done and there’s no turning back. Instead it’s going forward and I’m shoved with it. Life goes on, without my pride and joy of just one year and a half. And it’s affecting me, physically, emotionally and mentally on all angles. What I didn’t expect besides the support from friends and acquaintances was the harsh and judgmental words from a person I didn’t expect it to say it, from my own mother.

I called her on Monday, to tell the news and all she said was “There’s a lot of dogs out there.” and “If I die will you’re gonna cry like that?” I was outraged by those words from a person who threw four of my sisters in foster care while I was the only one who “took care” by abusing me physically, emotionally and mentally to the point that I suffer from Depression, low self esteem, panic attacks. I endured so much during my life that I never experienced this heartbreaking “unnecessary” departure. Unnecessary because the vet should do something else than giving an alternative such as putting my dog to sleep. If I was Kim Kardashian or some rich bitch, my dog would be alive today! But since I’m a nobody, with debts while living paycheck to paycheck, my dog deserves to die robbing me of more happiness from him, more cuddles, more play time, more affection and love. He shouldn’t deserve to die. HE SHOULD DESERVE TO LIVE!

We, as a childless couple have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. He wasn’t just our dog, he was our baby, our very special one. And it’s unfair that it happened that way under violent and heartbreaking circumstances. I actually blame God for all of what we went through. And don’t place the damn religion mumbo jumbo on me! I don’t want it! I don’t need it! If God was in front of me I actually punch his face for all I been through and demand him to bring my dog back. But in the meantime that’s not gonna happen, because God “works” in mysterious ways. Such mysterious way to make ourselves suffer after months of happiness with him. He’s irreplaceable. I could have other dogs, but the thought of that night scares me as I’m not prepare to have another one. It could be a long time. In the meantime, I have to live with it, with an empty house full of sadness, anger and hatred. Life goes on, while I’m on pause.

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