Can’t Let Go of My Past, Can’t Move Forward Into My Future

I reminisce about my past. A lot. From the moment I set foot in this country, I used to have this naive belief that I’m equal to everybody else. Thousand of miles away from my parents away from their Christian and strict beliefs including this one: that the day I was out that will be the day that I get married. It didn’t work. I was so unhappy living in a country that doesn’t have any future for me. All I saw was my so-called friends of mine getting pregnant. The job market wasn’t good either. So, I decided to leave on Nov 2, 2001 (Two months aprox. after Sept. 11).

There were good things that happened despite the real bad ones. I flourished violently into this angry, crazy sometimes lonely hell of a mess. I wasn’t ghetto, I wasn’t a criminal. I was lost looking for a way even if it’s the wrong one. I used to be a Poet participating at Poetry Slams. I used to go to clubs, a lot. I used to visit Hot Topic and local Thrift Shops and buy clothes. I used to smoke weed while using glow sticks dancing to trance, and drink excessively to the point I got alcohol poisoning twice. During the summer it was going out to outdoor events in the city and have fun. And yes, who can ever deny the instinct to have sex with strangers specially at a bar?

My life in the past was like a rollercoaster ride full of ups and downs. Happiness and Sadness all blended into one big draft. My life in the present often serves me as a lesson of the past decisions I took, even in my crazy life which I always took precaution physically but the marks prevailed, it will never erase even with time. The good times are short, but the bad times are very noticeable. This present I’m the quiet, with a sense of humor type while behaving like I can’t break the plate. So, I start telling about my past, what I did or didn’t do to the future generation even if I’m still with no kids. Still, I remember the good days where I was having fun with friends that were carefree and don’t give a fuck about it and definitely I can’t see them again. My present is dull, boring. Where all I do is waking up, going to work and come back home and play videogames. Sobriety is the norm of maturity these days. You embrace your past and it all comes back to kick you in the ass. The present isn’t what you wanted to be. You walk into the future and it’s blind as you can’t see where you going.

Just a thought in my dull schedule even if it’s difficult to understand.


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